The major one being that I have deteriorated with my health both physically and mentally
If I'm honest with everyone and myself I don't want to be here anymore yeah that may sound selfish but I certainly don't want to see in another year filled with suffering and pain, hurt and longing for a life I cannot live.
I want freedom from this existence. I want freedom from this cruel world. I want freedom from my body and from my mind.
I saw this earlier today and it's completely true to me.
How much longer can I carry on like this I keep asking myself and the answer is no more.
Every movement, every breath, every cry and every tear cuts that little bit more deeper every minute of every second my fragile being is awake. Everyday I feel worse. Everyday I feel isolated from the world. The people who I thought I could rely on are no where to be seen. The people I thought were friends have deserted me.
The only people I have are the ones who are meant to love you and who are meant to be there and I love them with all my being but sometimes it's not enough. My parents are my rock but my rock has been chipped away so much that I am now a tiny little stone which you can hardly see but you can feel if you stand on it in the bottom of your shoe. That sharp pain. The feeling where you need to get rid of that tiny stone. But I can't. I'm stuck.
When I was 5 I had no worries at all and then suddenly I was 10 seriously ill in hospital and my childhood and teenage years were taken from me in a flash.
All the things I've wanted to do in my mind but my body has had other ideas. All the people my age I know will be out partying tonight and won't spare one thought for me as they drink and dance the night away bringing in the new year in a way I wish I could more than anything. But instead I will be in bed on my own probably asleep so that I don't have to face my family and depress them with my longing for the life I deserve.
Not one of my friends/ close people to me who are well have offered to invite me or involve me in anything. And there's no way I expect them to, a boring chronically sick girl like me, who would want to spend time with her when all she can do is sit in the corner in a cold sweat feeling like death. But you know the THOUGHT would be nice.
If I try and make it into this new year there's gonna be a lot of changes with who I let in my life anymore. I would rather have 2 genuine friends rather than a 100 fake ones. And I'd surely rather be by myself than with people who only see what they want to see and not the raw truth that I live each and every day.
And that is that. For all who know where I'm coming from And for all who don't, I can't wish you a happy new year from me but I wish for the best for you, all of you even the ones who don't understand me and the struggles I face.
Maybe this will help me by getting it out. Or maybe it won't. Only time will tell and I don't have a lot of time to waste anymore.
See you in 2015
Rosie
